Mascot Royal Rumble: NL Wild Card Series edition

Congratulations to the Miami Marlins on clinching a wild card berth in a full season for the first time since 2003. Your prize? You have to go to Philadelphia.

The Philadelphia Phillies are draped in history and lore. Thirty-two Hall of Famers have played for this storied franchise over the past century, but perhaps none of them are more iconic than the Phillie Phanatic. 

The Phanatic debuted in 1978, and quickly became a fan favorite in Philadelphia and across the country. He has transcended sports and become a cultural icon.

Anyway, I’m going to analyze whether or not Billy the Marlin can beat him in a fight.

Enter Billy: An eight-foot tall swordfish. Even after his sword nose reduction a few years ago, it’s still a lethal weapon that he can push laterally in front of him or rain down blows from up above over the six-foot, six-inch Phanatic.

Billy also has a look in his eyes that I can only compare to a sailor that has been lost at sea for many months. Simply put, he is an aquatic killing machine. I’ve heard from sources (the voices in my head) that he isn’t afraid to fight dirty.

This is the same fish that

Inversely, the Phillie Phanatic got the brakes beat off of him by a 61-year-old Tommy Lasorda. Don’t get me wrong, the legendary baseball manager could’ve held his ground against anybody. But for those who don’t remember, Lasorda was tired of the Phanatic taunting him with a Lasorda-lookalike mannequin. So Lasorda pummeled him to the ground, took it from the Phanatic, and swung it at him a couple of times for good measure. It was a knockout in under 10 seconds.

His biography on the Phillies website says his waist is 90 inches in circumference. Reader, I need you to understand how big 90 inches is. Ninety inches is 7 feet, five inches. Victor Wembanyama, the No. 1 overall NBA Draft pick this season, is 7 feet, four inches tall. The Phanatic’s waist is currently holding the height equivalent of one of the tallest men to ever play basketball. This thing is not fit to start a fight.

The Phanatic is nothing more than an overweight mop come to life. Even if Billy’s sworded nose isn’t effective against the Phanatic, all he’d have to do is play a defensive game as long as possible until the Phanatic gets tired. Billy is a gym rat (gym fish?)—I saw him in the gym before a game bench pressing two 45s on each side...as a warmup. The Phanatic hasn’t hit the gym since the last time the 76ers made the finals. Go ahead, look it up: it’s been a long time.

I don’t know how this series will go. Both teams have been impressive this season. All I know for sure is the Phanatic should make himself scarce if Billy the Marlin is in the building.